[A quiet moment in a parked car. Bhunzu sits in the driverโs seat, staring at the church doors. His son is settled in the back, fresh from recent personal care. Mviyo(imaginary), sitting beside him, watches him closely.]
Bhunzu: So I drove all the way here. Walked in, looked around. It feltโฆ cold. Not weather cold. Justโฆ cold. So I stepped out to change my boyโs pad. Now Iโm here. In the car.
Mviyo: That kind of cold is worse than the weather. The kind that makes you step out without even thinking. Are you going back in? Or is the car the sanctuary for now?
Bhunzu: What would you do?
Mviyo: If I walked into a place that was supposed to feel warm but didnโt? Iโd trust that feeling. Iโd sit here, breathe, and ask myselfโDo I actually want to be in there, or am I forcing it? And if it still felt wrong, I wouldnโt go back in. Iโd find peace somewhere else.
Bhunzu: So should I start doubting my mental health? Or is it just SEN parenting? Will it pass?
Mviyo: Donโt rush to doubt yourself. SEN parenting is heavy. Youโre constantly adjusting, reading the room, making space for your son and yourself. Thatโs exhausting. What youโre feeling? Itโs probably just that exhaustion. A moment. Not a sign that something is wrong with you.
But if this feeling follows you everywhere, if it doesnโt lift, then yeahโmaybe itโs worth checking in with yourself. Right now, though? It sounds like a moment. A rough one, but a moment. Itโll pass.
Bhunzu: You remember that thing I wrote? About engaging people at skin level? The vaselined skin?
Mviyo: Of course. Meeting people where they are, in ways they can understand. That post stuck with me. Why?
Bhunzu: Itโs not that they arenโt willing. Theyโre justโฆ not capable.
Mviyo: Thatโs even heavier. Because when people canโt engage at your level, itโs not personalโitโs just a gap that goodwill alone canโt bridge. Thatโs probably why the room felt cold. Not because they donโt care, but because they donโt know how to. And thatโs a lonely kind of cold.
So what now? Do you exist in that gap, or find spaces where the warmth comes naturally?
Bhunzu: Itโs tough. I havenโt been at church for more than a month. Unrelated reasons. But now, walking back in? Either I get too much attention, or I get none. And neither option feels good.
Mviyo: Yeah, I get that. Too much attention feels like a spotlight. No attention makes you wonder if you ever really belonged. If going back in means carrying that weight on top of everything else, I see why the car feels better.
So, Nkelo, hereโs the questionโwhat would make walking in feel less heavy? Or is today just not the day?
